


I Miss Drowning In Your Ocean

by greenmeetingblue, RedPhoneBooth



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Boy x boy, But Not the Good Kind, I AM SORRY, M/M, SO SORRY, Trigger Warning: broken heart / near suicide, bc it is really amaze, because a lot of angst, but from Phil's pov, did i already mention angst, it was late and i was in themood for feels, my friend RedPhoneBooth made another part to this, oh btw, okay let's go, so you should check that out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 09:19:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3931462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenmeetingblue/pseuds/greenmeetingblue, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedPhoneBooth/pseuds/RedPhoneBooth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am so sorry Phil. I am so sorry for fucking up so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss Drowning In Your Ocean

**Author's Note:**

> So, first Phan oneshot I post on here. I am quite proud of this actually, and it was really fun to make this with my dear friend Anna (RedPhoneBooth, you should check her out). She made another part to this but from Phil's POV if you want to know what goes on in his mind. Send her all the love and hugs because she deserves to be recognized for her lovely writing style! (check it out [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3931411).
> 
> Thanks a lot for even reading this. Hope you enjoy! xxx
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://greenmeetingblue.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/chestpainslouis) and also [Anna's Tumblr](http://redphonebooth3.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedPhoneBooth3) !
> 
> !! PLEASE DO NOT SEND THIS TO ANY OF THE PEOPLE MENTIONED !!

I am so sorry Phil. I am so sorry for fucking up so much.

I don't know what I have to do to feel your warmth on my skin again.

Yet again I am alone, waiting here for the wave of your scent to fill up my room. Mainly because I have forgotten how you smell. Which is odd to me, because I used to inhale your scent as if it was my oxygen. You were the air I needed and breathed.

Now I am suffocating.

You haven't been off of my mind since you walked through that door. Every time I close my eyes, flashing memories take the place of light: your raven black hair that always felt so soft under my fingertips. The feeling of your delicate hand in mine, perfectly fitting as if it were meant to be. Your deep blue sea of eyes staring lovingly into my chocolate ones at 4am. The soft 'I love you''s that we always mumbled in each other's hair.

It hurts to talk about you in past tense.

Time has been passing without me noticing. How long has it actually been since you left? Seconds? Days? Months? I can't quite remember. My body still aches for you. Your words still linger in the sheets.

There are other small things that are fading. How the sides of your ocean eyes crinkle up when you smile, for example. How your finger carefully ghosts over my bare skin with a swift motion. How you bite your lip when you are concentrating. How your soft lips dance when you talk. I hate myself for even forgetting how they taste.

It has been a while since I last felt them on mine.

I am still not used to seeing the sunlight falling onto your empty side of the bed. It is something that I have noticed a lot these days, and it feels wrong to not see your face scrunching up because of the sun in your eyes. I would laugh and softly kiss your nose, holding you in my arms. Silently admiring every detail of your face. Grinning from ear to ear.

I would feel you laying your head on my chest, your black locks tickling me. I wouldn't mind the tickling-part though. In that position, I'd feel invincible. And loved. I always felt so loved when I was with you.

Everything is becoming a blur, I have only been feeling pain and emptiness over the last time. My mind is haunted by your tears. I can still feel your eyes piercing in mine as you told me you would leave. Out of my life. Out of my world.

Those were the same eyes that always lit up when you talked about something you loved. They were filled with light dancing on the ocean, accompanied by waves of laughter. In the end, they were only filled with hurt. Which is my fault. It's always my fault. It's always my fucking fault.

How could I ruin all of this perfection? With one simple kiss, I fucked up everything. Your eyes. That look in your eyes. How could I ever trust you? I see them think. I see them remembering our late-night-talks, mumbling sweet nothing in each other's embrace. Reassuring one another that we would always stay together. Nobody else but each other.

I see a tear. I see a shadow running away. I see myself with an unknown guy in a tight embrace, lips still swollen from kissing. I see another tear, mine this time.

My ears register the sound of my feet on the pavement, running after your loud sobs. I still don't know what I thought would be a good explanation for my act. I could never forgive myself for the hurt in your eyes. I was such a stupid asshole. Why did I ruin a perfect life together with you? I hated myself. I really did. I don't deserve love, I realized, feeling warm tears rolling over my cheeks. I certainly don't deserve yours.

But how could I let you know all of this? How could I let you know how sorry I was? How sorry I still am? 'Sorry' isn't even remotely close to the pain and regret I still feel up to today.

How did I let it come so far?

This isn't a plea for you to come back to me. This is a message from me to you to let you know that I am not doing well. I am doing terrible, actually: I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, I haven't even cleaned the house since you left. Pj sometimes comes over though, to see how I'm doing.

I am not doing well Phil, I hope he doesn't notice.

Every corner, every photo and every room in this house reminds me of stolen kisses and reassuring. A messy food fight in the kitchen, ending in a heat of skin on skin. Loud laughter in the lounge after watching a comedy. Silent cuddling in the bedroom, being engulfed by each other's warmth.

I miss your touch, kiss, laugh, eyes, hair, hands, love and voice. I miss you.

How did your voice sound again? Oh God no. I forgot how it sounded when the words “I love you” flew out of your mouth in my direction for the first time. And the last time.

I miss you so much, I really do.

I hope I don't freak you our or make you annoyed because of this message. It's just that I am so tired Phil, I am so tired of being alone. I am so sorry.

I love you. Even in the state that I am writing this I mean it. I feel like I haven't said it to you enough. It will never be enough. We have so much time to catch up on.

Don't worry, I'm not going to do something stupid. You probably wouldn't care though, it is the thing I deserve after breaking your heart. But the thought of you looking out of your window and remembering me, us, is what keeps me going.

I love you so much. It is easier to write it down, I have noticed.

My vision is becoming blurry, I will have to close my eyes soon.

Please stay. Or come back soon. Or be happy without me.

Remember us.


End file.
